the saddest goodbye

Well, I guess I haven't done such a great job with writing every day...how bad is that...to miss a day right after your first entry...

I have had a very unproductive weekend. I had envisioned getting my house completely cleaned and doing a ton of homework. I basically did the least amount of homework I could get away with (but believe me I still did A LOT) and the only cleaning I did was in my bedroom.

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend, and had a good time. It really pumped me up for my own wedding, and made me change my mind on a couple of things- for one, I changed my mind about not making my brothers (the ushers) wear tuxes...they did for this wedding and they both looked mighty sharp.

After the wedding I came home and wanted to settle down to some tv and unwind. I decided to make a pot of coffee. As I was cleaning the coffee pot I got a phone call from Kashmir. I spoke casually to her like I always do and realized she wasn't. She sounded serious. Bad serious. She told me Jackie was trying to get a hold of me. I was really confused- Jackie I haven't really spoken in years....why would she need to speak to me. And then Kashmir just straight out told me- my friend Mark had committed suicide. My first reaction was "Mark? Mark who?" And Kashmir told me Nik's exboyfriend Mark....and my heart sank. I told Kashmir I had to go, but she told me to wait, that she wanted to give me Meagan Kelshimer's phone number, because she was the one who started the search party for me and that she could give me all the details. I was nervous to call her, because again, I haven't talked to her in ages, either. I also don't know how you talk to someone about a friend who is dead. So, we talked briefly and agreed we should see each other over some coffee when we can talk about happier things. Then, I knew I had to call Nik.

And I didn't want to. I knew how I was feeling and I never dated the guy. I just didn't know how I was going to tell her. So, I just did. I just said it...like Kashmir had done for me. And we stayed on the phone for a long time in awkward silence....neither of us knowing what to say.

It doesn't help matters much that Nik and I haven't talked to each other since the fourth of July. It was just awkward...all the way around.

I don't know why people feel like they don't have a way to escape their pain. I wish Mark had said something....something to someone...because it didn't have to go down like this. I know he had so many friends who would have done anything for him...he just had to be in the worst pain- pain unimaginable to think this was the only way out.

Mark gave me my first pair of converse Chuck Taylor's. He gave them to me at the cafe in December of 2002 when I was home for Christmas break from college. They are blue and I still have them...they are just too beat up to actually wear. He knew I had been wanting a pair and they had belonged to him in high school. We wore the same shoe size. They were already broken in and came pre-written on.

I went to church today for the first time in forever. I asked God to help him on the other side. I know in my religion, suicide isn't an unforgivable sin anymore, but I know it isn't the best way to get yourself into heaven, either. I asked God to help him, because I know he was a good man at heart and he deserves a nice place where he can finally find peace.

I have always been too attached to other people's emotions. When someone else is sad...it weighs me down. When someone else cries...I am going to cry. Laughter is infectious around me. I know this will sound too over the top that it will wind up losing meaning...but I hate knowing how sad other people are out there. It breaks my heart. I don't want anyone to ever feel like nobody cares about them or that the quality and existence of their life isn't valued.