Too much excitement is going to be keeping me awake. Did we get everything done? Did we forget something? Will it rain? Will I look pretty? Will I fall?
I will only live one more week of my life as Meghann Leigh Shoulders. I've gone 25 years as a certain identity. Was I living my entire life to prepare to become a different legal name? Was I born Meghann McFadden and just not know it?
Does our name decide who we are?
In my church, the sacrament of marriage is permanent. We went through several hours of counseling and took a test to make sure this is the right decision. The test highlighted issues that might need further discussion. It isn't pass/fail. It's just a way to begin conversation of the things we might need to discuss before we jump into this. We had to be prepared to face all obstacles. This really is through good times and bad.
I've never once doubted my decision to live the rest of my life with Mike. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him long ago. We have been through rough storms, and I know we will have more to come. But at the end of the day, I can't imagine fighting with anyone else. I can't imagine anyone else being the father of my children. And, I can't imagine growing old without him leading the way.
He's my best friend. I found in him all of the qualities I was ever looking for. He is a breathing example of the cliche: he completes me. While we share many traits in common, he picks up the slack in my faults. I am the realistic one, he is the dreamer. I am vulnerable, he is the protector. I am the planner, he is spontaneous. We are a balance.
I am not nervous to marry him, but I am nervous about the changes that will take place in our lives because we are married. Will I be a good wife? When will we have children? Will we be good parents? Is marriage different than what our lives are like right now? Am I old enough to be doing this?
At times I tell myself, this isn't a big deal. You've lived together for three years now. It's just a piece of paper.
But, it is a big deal.
I am going in front of my family and friends and proclaiming my choice in front of God.
How many times in YOUR life do you proclaim something in front of God? This is important. I am promising to have and to hold in sickness and in health.
I am proclaiming that I am in love
that I have found my soul mate
that I am going to live in unity
that I have made an educated decision
that as a Catholic I will marry Michael Patrick McFadden.
Even though I know I won't, I hope that in one week I can tell myself to be at ease. That even though we might have forgotten something, no matter how I look, even if I fall none of that will matter. I hope that in one week I will be sleeping and ready for not only the most important day in my life thus far, but for the most exciting.
Nik keeps telling me, it's just a party. A big party- and if I know how to do anything- it's how to throw a party.
In the fall semester of 2008, I took an Expository Writing class. We were instructed to do some research on our names and write something about what we found. I've been saving posting this for a long time. Maybe I should have waited a few more days, but I couldn't anymore. I am anxious and excited. It's not perfect, but for the occasion, I believe fitting.
Enjoy!
I was never going to be a Janet or a Donna like my father wanted. Brianne was nice, but just not quite right. Meghann was just simply the only possible name I could ever have. My parents are educators and stress the importance of literature in people's lives. It isn't surprising then that I am named after a character in one of my mother's favorite books: Meg from The Thorn Birds. Staying true to the roots of the Irish name, my mother spelled it as obnoxiously as the name could be spelled. The Irish eventually dropped the second “n” in the spelling and Americans went even further to drop the “h.” Because of this progression, the original spelling has become less and less common. The name didn't reach popularity in the United States until the 1970s and still isn't one of the most popular names today. So, not only do I have an uncommon name, but I have one of the most uncommon ways of spelling it. I thought I could definitively declare that I was the only Meghann Shoulders ever in existence. I found out, I wasn't exactly right. According to the research I have found, I feel confident in saying I am the only MeghanN Shoulders in the world, but one of only two Megan's in general. A Megan Shoulders lives in Alabama, but beyond the two of us- that appears to be it.
I guess it just sticks within my personality that I would be one of very few with my full name. After twenty-four years of being much different than everyone around me, I have a tendency to want to be the only person to possess and harbor everything about myself. I want to be the only person that wears Gap Dream body spray. I want to be the only person who has a bad day and eats pasta to make it go away. I want to be the only person to be named Meghann Shoulders. In a way, it is fitting that Meghann means “a pearl” -an object that is frequently used to suggest rarity. While my parents were choosing the name for their own personal reasons, they didn't know they were shaping their daughter's destiny.
As far as my last name, it is absurd. I have always found body parts to be rather unfortunate last names, and for a long time I resented it. Why couldn't I have been Meghann Smith or Meghann Jones? But, it wouldn't have fit. As I did with most unpleasantries in my life, I used comedy to get used to my unique surname. Anytime I had to give someone the spelling, were it to run a credit check or access my bank account, I would proudly state, “Shoulders- like the body part.”
Most people gained their last names by their profession or some quality that singled them out. It is believed that Shoulders was given as a last name because of a person with very broad shoulders, or was given from the word “Shoveller,” old English name given to a person who's occupation was to shovel. There is very little information known as to where the name originated in general and especially where my family of Shoulders came from. The name is shrouded in mystery. Remarkably, along my way in life I have occasionally been asked by people I meet if I am of relation to other Shoulders they know, and several times I haven't been. I am always surprised by this. I just always imaged we were the only ones.
This May I am getting married. My father, the man who gave me my last name, will allow me to be sent off to the man who will give me my new identity. Meghann Shoulders is going to instantly be turned into a Meghann McFadden. Luckily for her, Megan Shoulders of Alabama will likely be the only one of our kind left. Because of their Irish origins, I will enter a sea of the many Meghann, Meghan, and Megan McFadden's in the world. I will no longer rely on my name as defining who I am. I can't use the line, “McFadden- like the....” because nothing seems to fill in the blank. For the first time, I will allow someone else to make part of me ordinary. But, I guess Juliet was right; s rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. No matter what you call me, I will always be a rare pearl.
